It pains me just to write that name....
You see, Bryan and I found out about 3 weeks ago that we were expecting baby #3. The first response, shock! Oh my goodness, God, you think we can handle three?? We just sold all of our baby stuff? Then....pure joy. I quickly pictured my family of 5. We were in the process of getting a new car so we made sure it'd fit our family of 5 (although we knew we wanted a roomier car anyway) so a minivan it was....and yes, I love it! More amazingly, Bryan was away for the weekend at a retreat and texted me a name for a little boy. I'd always said I liked the name Liam (a variation of William) and it would be after my grandfather, William "Bill" Myatt. Bryan was reading in Genesis and felt particularly struck by the name and person that Seth was in the Bible. He is the beginning of the lineage. He's Adam and Eve's son. So the name we quickly felt comfortable with was Seth Liam Stiverson. I know - seriously - I was only 5 weeks pregnant - but I loved it. I could just picture Jason with a little partner in crime and Ellie, the big sister, ruling the roost. She was so excited. She couldn't wait to put it's clothes on and keep it safe from Cinco (our cat and yes, that's a whole other story.) She was convinced it was a girl and she wanted to name her Emilese.
Now, of course, I don't know whether this baby was a boy or girl and honestly, we won't know for a long time because we found out Sunday that it doesn't have a heart beat. Starting Saturday I knew what was happening...it just got worse and we decided after church on Sunday to go on up to the hospital. They confirmed our fears, gave me a (very painful) Rhogam shot since I'm an A Negative blood type and sent us on our way with a heartfelt smile and a "hope you are doing better soon." Bryan and I went and ate dinner together. It felt like someone had died...well, someone had. It's crazy to me that I never held this little peanut (or Cashew, as we'd started calling him) but I ached for him. I've had several thoughts and emotions but the one that gets me every time is the one where I imagine what he would have been like...what'd he'd do for Christ, how he'd impact the world and how he'd make me smile. Would he love music like the rest of our family? So many questions...so I decided that because writing is somehow healing for me, I'd write....this time a letter to Seth. I know, I still don't know if it's a boy or girl but in this lifetime I will remember him as Seth.
My sweet little Seth,
You came to me as a surprise, but after the surprise wore off I began to wonder why it was so urgent that God bring you to our family. I believe each of my children are specifically here for God's purpose and you were no exception. Speaking of children, you would have looooved your brother and sister. Ellie was so excited about you. She wanted to know if they made pants for babies as small as you would be. She wanted to protect you in her room, with the door shut, from Cinco, the crazy cat. I'm sure she would have read you books and bossed you around like all good big sisters do. But she would have adored you. Now Jason - you and him would have been partners in crime. He'd crack you up and he'd probably have you get into plenty of mischief with him. But he'd also want to hug you because he loves his hugs. You guys would have maybe shared a room with bunk beds one day. You would have your fights I'm sure but you'd be closer than the closest of friends.
Your dad, man - he was already in love with you. He picked out a name within days of knowing who you were. He dreamed, as did I, of the things you would do for the Lord. Whether it was baseball or guitar or some other hobby, he'd support you 100% in the things you pursued. He's such an incredible dad and I already looked forward to seeing him hold yet another one of our newborns.
For me, I just have a ton of questions still. What would you have been like? What color would your hair and eyes be? Would you look like me or your dad? What would your favorite musical instrument be (because let's face it, between the rest of the family, we're well on our way to a family band)? Would you love to snuggle? Would you be hilarious and wild like Jason, more reserved and precocious like Ellie or would you be totally different? What would my labor and delivery be like? Call me crazy, but every mom looks forward to that. Even in the pain, it's the most incredible think I've ever experienced. Would you be wrapped up in your cousins as much as Ellie and Jason are? Would I have some unique connection to you since we are both third borns? How would you make me smile?
I miss you and love you even though I've never known you. I'm so grateful that I serve a God who is near to me in my broken-heartedness. What I love even more is that I believe you are already with Jesus. I don't understand how all of that works but I do believe you're there. I hold great hope in the fact that I will get to see you one day.
I love you so much that it hurts but I love that kind of love,
Mommy
I don't know what are plans are from here on out, but I know that God has opened my eyes to some new possibilities...
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The Proof of Your Love
I've been kind of in a funk lately...not anything terrible...just that place where you find yourself searching but coming up with nothing. If I've learned anything on my journey it's that you have to keep trusting God and walking along His path even when you "feel" nothing, are lonely, feel defeated, feel hopeless, etc. I know every time I've turned around and looked back I've discovered that Christ was right there beside me (yes, much like that Footprints poem). I'm going to hit on a few things that I come to one major thing so forgive some of the scatteredness!
I feel like I'm going through difficult things that seem simple and easy to others. I know other people struggle with these things (motherhood, purpose, lack of friendship) but the utter aloneness you feel going through some of things can get overwhelming sometimes. Jason's been a challenge lately. I've said a thousand times that God gave him a cute little grin and laugh and amazing charm about him because when he's a stinker, he's a STINKER! From the aggressiveness to the not responding to almost any mommy discipline, I've found myself in tears many times. I'm trying to constantly put my parenting at the feet of Jesus, because on my own, I'm lousy. I think almost every mother has had one of those moments where you think, "I'm the worst mom on the planet." At least a lot of moms have told me that. Hopefully no ones lying! ;) But having my character tested by my 1 year old is not anything I'd ever have thought I'd have to deal with.
And we can't forget Little Miss....Ellie. She also has the ability to be amazingly intuitive and cute. She's most definitely a 60 year old trapped in a 3 year old body. But when she turns the attitude on...oh my word!! Is there a teenager trapped inside too?! I was at a Christian type weekend a few months ago and God so clearly spoke to me - BE PATIENT WITH THEM? I mean that slap in the face, wasn't expecting that, bring on the tears kind of aha moment. So a few months later...am I?
In my marriage, I feel like I've been struggling with being defensive. I thank God for a study I've been doing with my small group that has really made me look inward in a lot of ways. I feel like I'm so quick to jump on the things that I disagree with or give attitude (I'm 100% sure that's where Ellie gets it) if things aren't going the way I want them to. So, in response to this I started to memorize I Corinthians 13:4-7 which is the verses about love.
It says, "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith. It is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
There is a lot of lovin' packed in those 3 amazing verses.
So fast forward to the current. I had a pity party for myself the other day about my lack of deep friendships. I told Bryan that there were not a whole lot of people on the planet that would consider me important to them. Sure, I have plenty of friends, but I mean REALLY important! How incredibly selfish!! At the time, I just wanted to wallow in it but as God chipped at my defensive ways I realized just how much all of this was about ME.
There's a new song on the radio called "The Proof of Your Love" and it has spoken to me with chills several times. There's a section in the middle of the song where they say the verses that the song is based off of. I've heard them plenty of times but didn't realize that they are right before the previously stated love verses that we all know so well.
It's I Corinthians 13:1-5 from The Message:
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."
Now for the great tie it all together:
Nothing I do matters....to Ellie, to Jason, to Bryan, to my friends, to the needy, to the rich, to the believer, to the unbeliever, to the person that doesn't get me, to my Heavenly father, to my students....nothing matters if I have not loved.
Let me tell you what...I've been convicted. Not just once, but over and over. I know I won't magically get it perfect from today on, but surely the more I hear it, meditate on it and put it into practice, the more it will become my nature. And let's face it, we were all born into an ugly, sinful, all about me mentality.
So, who do you need to love?
Here's the lyrics to the song:
If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breathe with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say
(Chorus)
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You're made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me
Chorus
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it's all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-7, The Message)
I feel like I'm going through difficult things that seem simple and easy to others. I know other people struggle with these things (motherhood, purpose, lack of friendship) but the utter aloneness you feel going through some of things can get overwhelming sometimes. Jason's been a challenge lately. I've said a thousand times that God gave him a cute little grin and laugh and amazing charm about him because when he's a stinker, he's a STINKER! From the aggressiveness to the not responding to almost any mommy discipline, I've found myself in tears many times. I'm trying to constantly put my parenting at the feet of Jesus, because on my own, I'm lousy. I think almost every mother has had one of those moments where you think, "I'm the worst mom on the planet." At least a lot of moms have told me that. Hopefully no ones lying! ;) But having my character tested by my 1 year old is not anything I'd ever have thought I'd have to deal with.
And we can't forget Little Miss....Ellie. She also has the ability to be amazingly intuitive and cute. She's most definitely a 60 year old trapped in a 3 year old body. But when she turns the attitude on...oh my word!! Is there a teenager trapped inside too?! I was at a Christian type weekend a few months ago and God so clearly spoke to me - BE PATIENT WITH THEM? I mean that slap in the face, wasn't expecting that, bring on the tears kind of aha moment. So a few months later...am I?
In my marriage, I feel like I've been struggling with being defensive. I thank God for a study I've been doing with my small group that has really made me look inward in a lot of ways. I feel like I'm so quick to jump on the things that I disagree with or give attitude (I'm 100% sure that's where Ellie gets it) if things aren't going the way I want them to. So, in response to this I started to memorize I Corinthians 13:4-7 which is the verses about love.
It says, "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud, or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith. It is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
There is a lot of lovin' packed in those 3 amazing verses.
So fast forward to the current. I had a pity party for myself the other day about my lack of deep friendships. I told Bryan that there were not a whole lot of people on the planet that would consider me important to them. Sure, I have plenty of friends, but I mean REALLY important! How incredibly selfish!! At the time, I just wanted to wallow in it but as God chipped at my defensive ways I realized just how much all of this was about ME.
There's a new song on the radio called "The Proof of Your Love" and it has spoken to me with chills several times. There's a section in the middle of the song where they say the verses that the song is based off of. I've heard them plenty of times but didn't realize that they are right before the previously stated love verses that we all know so well.
It's I Corinthians 13:1-5 from The Message:
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."
Now for the great tie it all together:
Nothing I do matters....to Ellie, to Jason, to Bryan, to my friends, to the needy, to the rich, to the believer, to the unbeliever, to the person that doesn't get me, to my Heavenly father, to my students....nothing matters if I have not loved.
Let me tell you what...I've been convicted. Not just once, but over and over. I know I won't magically get it perfect from today on, but surely the more I hear it, meditate on it and put it into practice, the more it will become my nature. And let's face it, we were all born into an ugly, sinful, all about me mentality.
So, who do you need to love?
Here's the lyrics to the song:
If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breathe with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say
(Chorus)
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You're made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me
Chorus
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it's all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-7, The Message)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
While I'm waiting...
There's a worship song I love (I know, big shocker!!) that says, "While I'm waiting...I will serve you." It's a very simple line but man - it is speaking volumes to me right now. I feel like God has put it on my heart to do hands on missions. For a long time I rationalized it by saying, "No Jenn - where you are is your mission field." And as true as that is - I kept feeling like God was showing me that I am a risk-taker and that I'm married to a risk-taker and when two risk-takers unite.....hahaha. Seriously, when two risk-takers unite incredible things can happen for God. The trouble is the waiting. I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for the finances to come together, waiting on the kids to grow a little and waiting at my job. =( That's the hardest of all for me. I really do love working with kids but teaching is a whole different dinosaur. Sadly, it's not the "red-tape" that all these teachers refer to, or the administration, and certainly not the schedule, but it's the attitudes of so many of these little darlings that are already so unmotivated. I find myself asking if I should try teaching high school, or music, or at a better school or if I should totally change careers. If you add all of those worrries and concerns with my already busy enough life of raising a 1 and 3 year old it's disastrous. I'm finding such a hard time finding peace and patience in the waiting. So much so that it truly damages my ability to just serve God sometimes. It says in the Bible in Peter 5:7, "Cast all your care about him for he cares for you." Hmmmm....I'm not doing that. It's the very song I have sang over both of my children since they were born, even in the hospital, every time Ellie is scared, every time Jason is fussing to go to bed. I know my sweet Savior is singing that song over me (even though it's about him.)
I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And anytime I don't know what I should do, I will cast all my cares upon you.
That will be my song. I don't know what's next or when. Some days I will fight the anxiety of not knowing what to do more than others but I know that God is with me. This is an excerpt from "Jesus Calling" from yesterday and it is what God is telling me to remember.
The most important thing to determine is what to do right now. Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side. Let everything else fade into the background. This will unclutter your mind, allowing Me to occupy more and more of your consciousness. Trust Me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now. I will guide you step by step, as you bend your will to mine.
God - I'm yours. I am at your will. Show me your way for me one step at a time and help me to be okay with that. Thank you for watching over me and caring for me more than I'll ever know.
I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And anytime I don't know what I should do, I will cast all my cares upon you.
That will be my song. I don't know what's next or when. Some days I will fight the anxiety of not knowing what to do more than others but I know that God is with me. This is an excerpt from "Jesus Calling" from yesterday and it is what God is telling me to remember.
The most important thing to determine is what to do right now. Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side. Let everything else fade into the background. This will unclutter your mind, allowing Me to occupy more and more of your consciousness. Trust Me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now. I will guide you step by step, as you bend your will to mine.
God - I'm yours. I am at your will. Show me your way for me one step at a time and help me to be okay with that. Thank you for watching over me and caring for me more than I'll ever know.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Word of our Testimony...
One of my favorite things is hearing others stories. One of my favorite lines from the song "Overcome" is this -- "We will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony." There's such truth to that line, so here's my story.
I grew up in a Christian home. I had amazing parents who gave me guidance, yet leniency. They loved me and showed me incredible support. I was outgoing and loved being a part of many activities. I was in Girl Scouts, dance and eventually in Middle School I played flute and then oboe in the band, and sang in the school choir. I was very involved in my youth group. I was always at church and had a lot of friends at church and school.
The only thing that I didn't have going for me was my weight. I was overweight from the time I was in first grade on. I don't remember getting made fun of until I was about 9 or so. I remember some kids, boys I think, at school calling me Free Willy. I remember a few years later being called Fluffy, with a lot of laughs, because that's how a boy described me when saying why he didn't like me. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. I remember going to a White Elephant exchange at church where I wanted the stuffed whale someone had brought. One boy made a comment that I wanted it because I was Shamu. I was called names often, typically from boys. I had so many crushes and so many unreturned feelings. Most of that didn't really catch up with me until my Freshman year of high school.
I had always gone to Rochelle School of the Arts from 3rd grade on to 8th. Everybody was pretty tight. I definitely was made fun of occasionally but still, everyone got along pretty well. I felt really close with everyone. In high school that all changed. I went to George Jenkins High School. There were only 4 other people from Rochelle going to my high school and I didn't have classes with any of them. By Christmas my two closest Rochelle friends had transferred to other schools because they hated it too. I distinctly remember a girl trying to befriend me (something that was always easy for me). I went to hang out with them (where all the popular people hung out) in the court yard. It's like they knew I was a nobody to them. They literally wouldn't even include me in their group. I become pretty depressed about school. I cried every morning and my mom finally got to the point where she was ready to transfer me out. As a mom now, I know how much that broke my moms heart. Still, I ended up staying there. I didn't really have any friends and I wouldn't even eat in the cafeteria.
I remained a Christ follower. I 'm sure I cussed hear and there and I know I listened to music I shouldn't have, but generally speaking I followed Christ. By my sophomore year I went away on a family trip to see some distant relatives. my sisters were there (who were a freshman and junior in college) and everybody was going to drink. That was the first night I ever drank. I had a great time. Everybody was having fun, we played "Never Have I Ever" (where I learned a lot about one of my sisters!!) and it was great. I felt a little guilt after that but I also felt huge acceptance. I don't really remember drinking or partying a whole lot that year but I know I was going down a different path. I remember some of the music I listened to then, also. It was awful. I cringe at some of the lyrics I remember. Music has the power to move you in worship and to tear you down to nothing and fill your mind with garbage!
The summer of my sophomore year I really connected with my close friend Stefanie. We went to youth camp and on a mission trip. We knew we needed to live for Jesus. It was tough, though, in high school. I quickly fell back into old patterns and picked up a new habit...smoking. I wanted so badly to have friends and more importantly attention from at least one guy that was interested in me. I got attention but it was all the wrong kind.
These patterns continued through high school. Sure, I was still going to church and honestly I never stopped loving the Lord, but nothing in my life reflected that. By Christmas of my senior year of high school I had a tongue ring and had lost my virginity. I was partying pretty often. I made a decision to go to Florida Southern College. Worst decision of my life.
It wasn't even the school. It was all the decisions I was making. I had pretty much no friends, or friends that would say they were my friend but stab me in the back. I drank 3 to 4 nights a week, listened to that same awful music, still smoked, and gave a piece of myself to a some guys that I'll never get back. I failed my first class ever (but seriously putting a freshman in an 8 o'clock Accounting class was stupid). I sank into the deepest depression. By March or April I could take no more.
I woke up one morning and cried as I drove to my parents house. I wanted out of this darkness. I was driving to tell my mom and dad about this darkness. They weren't home. On my way to my mom's office I can still remember the exact spot on 540 A near where my parents now live (at the time it was just trees and woods). I remember thinking "I could just drive off the road right now and I know I'd feel better." I finally got to her office and sat outside crying, waiting for her to be done teaching a class.
I walked into her office and told her how much I was struggling. I cried, she cried. We drove over to my dad's office together and talked to him. I knew I would get my parents support. They always supported me. Looking back now, I'm even more amazed. They weren't completely blind to who I was but loved me regardless. We worked it out for me to go to counseling.
Counseling was weird. I grew up with a social worker, remember? So I was use to all the felling words and telling me story. Still I went. It was alright but I still felt depressed. I moved back home, even though classes weren't over yet and finished the semester as a commuter student. I still drive past that campas and have bad feelings. I hated who I was that year.
I told my parents that the only request I had was not to have a curfew. I started going to church and to my surprise had support from my friends from whom I'd been very distant from. I reconnected with God in a huge way at that time. I didn't have a lot of close friends so I know I had more time to think about life, God and how he fit into it. I remember walking into Sunday School one morning with the college group and telling them that just the same way you know you've found the person you're going to marry I knew, without a doubt, that I was connected to Christ and I was never going back to my old lifestyle. Everything was great but I still struggled a lot with depression.
While we were on a Mission Trip that summer I still dealt with these things. We all went around the room one night and had to pray that God would prepare us for the next day. I was in a bad funk so I remember praying something very basic about God, please let me be ready tomorrow. I woke up...no such luck. I still felt miserable. I went and had some quiet time, reluctantly, and God used what I read in a bigger way than I could ever imagine. The verse and devotion was about Christ coming to the cross. The verse was Jesus talking to God saying that God did not bring him to the cross to deliver him from it, but through it. God spoke to me that morning telling me he was not going to rescue me from my depression but bring me through it. I didn't love that message but now I do.
You see, I ended up getting on anti-depressants. They did really help out but it was more that it was a process. I had to learn to sort through and move out of shame and regrets. I think God used that depression to shape me. I had to learn to cling to him. I had to learn that he loved me more than any man ever could.
I ended up at Southeastern University (woot woot) where my mom was a professor, for my sophomore year. It was free, so that certainly didn't hurt anything. I loved it. I loved praying before class and the element of Christ in everything. Yes, even World History and Journalism. That year was great. I even got a dog in January, much thanks to the epic fail of owning to rabbits and my parents saying I could get a dog if I got rid of the rabbits. Introduce Dixie! By spring I was really itching to go to a secular college. I had Christ living in me and it beamed out of me. I needed to be around people that didn't know him. I was accepted and planned to go to Florida State ( another woot woot) by the fall of my junior year. But something never felt quite right. I really felt God gently trying to get me to stay. I didn't have a lot of close friends and I did want to experience so much more but finally I ended up staying. I was a youth intern that summer which was awesome but tough too, because my church was going through a split. By the end of the summer my amazing youth leaders seemed to be on their way out of the church. I visited Church of the Highlands with one of my friends. It was a very modern church. When I left I told her that it was amazingly a lot like youth camp!
We went and visited their college group one Sunday and went back to the leaders house with a bunch of the people there. He was a young guy. He had a roommate. His roommates name was Bryan Stiverson, an intern at the church. I played some sort of Cranium game with him that night and fell in love with his sweet spirit and kindness. Matter of fact, I got in the car that night and told Stefanie I could marry him. I started going to Church of the Highlands and loved it. It really solidified my decision in staying in Lakeland. By November Bryan and I were dating. By the first week of December we were talking about marriage.
I really though I was going to have to wait a long time for the right guy. After a lot of boy crazy years I read an amazing book through my time of just me and God. It was called "Lady in Waiting". It put rest to that unrelenting desire and helped me focus on God a little more. I knew God would bring the man for me in his good time. I fully expected later because I could not stand how the guys my age acted. But here was Bryan, age 29, me age 21.
We were engaged the following August 31st and married on March 11, 2006. I eventually went of the anti-depressants (mainly because I had no insurance -- yikes!) Don't ever go off of anti-depressants cold turkey. That was miserable. Ever since then depression is not really a part of my life. I do have a natural tendency to get into small funks hear and there but nothing like that.
We've got our two kiddos - Jason and Ellie. Things aren't always perfect, but I'm always moving forward. When things get tough you just have to press on. I don't always like everything now, but I know that God's holding my hand the whole time. I don't really care if I don't know the latest song that everyone loves now. I guard that part of me closely. Music was a big hang up for me. I'm getting to a place where I can have a drink and it's not such an issue, but I'll always be careful with that too. Drinking had such a negative effect on me through my choices and those of some of my family members. There's no black and white. It's about grace and freedom in Christ. I love that. I think He has it that way for a reason. It keeps me on my toes wanting to stay connected with Him to know what he wants for my life.
I have a God who loves me intimately more than I could ever understand and I am truly blessed to have the husband that I do. He challenges me daily to be more like Christ. I feel a blog about BStive coming on soon! My kids - icing on the cake and a picture that I can finally start to grasp at of Christ's love for me.
I grew up in a Christian home. I had amazing parents who gave me guidance, yet leniency. They loved me and showed me incredible support. I was outgoing and loved being a part of many activities. I was in Girl Scouts, dance and eventually in Middle School I played flute and then oboe in the band, and sang in the school choir. I was very involved in my youth group. I was always at church and had a lot of friends at church and school.
The only thing that I didn't have going for me was my weight. I was overweight from the time I was in first grade on. I don't remember getting made fun of until I was about 9 or so. I remember some kids, boys I think, at school calling me Free Willy. I remember a few years later being called Fluffy, with a lot of laughs, because that's how a boy described me when saying why he didn't like me. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. I remember going to a White Elephant exchange at church where I wanted the stuffed whale someone had brought. One boy made a comment that I wanted it because I was Shamu. I was called names often, typically from boys. I had so many crushes and so many unreturned feelings. Most of that didn't really catch up with me until my Freshman year of high school.
I had always gone to Rochelle School of the Arts from 3rd grade on to 8th. Everybody was pretty tight. I definitely was made fun of occasionally but still, everyone got along pretty well. I felt really close with everyone. In high school that all changed. I went to George Jenkins High School. There were only 4 other people from Rochelle going to my high school and I didn't have classes with any of them. By Christmas my two closest Rochelle friends had transferred to other schools because they hated it too. I distinctly remember a girl trying to befriend me (something that was always easy for me). I went to hang out with them (where all the popular people hung out) in the court yard. It's like they knew I was a nobody to them. They literally wouldn't even include me in their group. I become pretty depressed about school. I cried every morning and my mom finally got to the point where she was ready to transfer me out. As a mom now, I know how much that broke my moms heart. Still, I ended up staying there. I didn't really have any friends and I wouldn't even eat in the cafeteria.
I remained a Christ follower. I 'm sure I cussed hear and there and I know I listened to music I shouldn't have, but generally speaking I followed Christ. By my sophomore year I went away on a family trip to see some distant relatives. my sisters were there (who were a freshman and junior in college) and everybody was going to drink. That was the first night I ever drank. I had a great time. Everybody was having fun, we played "Never Have I Ever" (where I learned a lot about one of my sisters!!) and it was great. I felt a little guilt after that but I also felt huge acceptance. I don't really remember drinking or partying a whole lot that year but I know I was going down a different path. I remember some of the music I listened to then, also. It was awful. I cringe at some of the lyrics I remember. Music has the power to move you in worship and to tear you down to nothing and fill your mind with garbage!
The summer of my sophomore year I really connected with my close friend Stefanie. We went to youth camp and on a mission trip. We knew we needed to live for Jesus. It was tough, though, in high school. I quickly fell back into old patterns and picked up a new habit...smoking. I wanted so badly to have friends and more importantly attention from at least one guy that was interested in me. I got attention but it was all the wrong kind.
These patterns continued through high school. Sure, I was still going to church and honestly I never stopped loving the Lord, but nothing in my life reflected that. By Christmas of my senior year of high school I had a tongue ring and had lost my virginity. I was partying pretty often. I made a decision to go to Florida Southern College. Worst decision of my life.
It wasn't even the school. It was all the decisions I was making. I had pretty much no friends, or friends that would say they were my friend but stab me in the back. I drank 3 to 4 nights a week, listened to that same awful music, still smoked, and gave a piece of myself to a some guys that I'll never get back. I failed my first class ever (but seriously putting a freshman in an 8 o'clock Accounting class was stupid). I sank into the deepest depression. By March or April I could take no more.
I woke up one morning and cried as I drove to my parents house. I wanted out of this darkness. I was driving to tell my mom and dad about this darkness. They weren't home. On my way to my mom's office I can still remember the exact spot on 540 A near where my parents now live (at the time it was just trees and woods). I remember thinking "I could just drive off the road right now and I know I'd feel better." I finally got to her office and sat outside crying, waiting for her to be done teaching a class.
I walked into her office and told her how much I was struggling. I cried, she cried. We drove over to my dad's office together and talked to him. I knew I would get my parents support. They always supported me. Looking back now, I'm even more amazed. They weren't completely blind to who I was but loved me regardless. We worked it out for me to go to counseling.
Counseling was weird. I grew up with a social worker, remember? So I was use to all the felling words and telling me story. Still I went. It was alright but I still felt depressed. I moved back home, even though classes weren't over yet and finished the semester as a commuter student. I still drive past that campas and have bad feelings. I hated who I was that year.
I told my parents that the only request I had was not to have a curfew. I started going to church and to my surprise had support from my friends from whom I'd been very distant from. I reconnected with God in a huge way at that time. I didn't have a lot of close friends so I know I had more time to think about life, God and how he fit into it. I remember walking into Sunday School one morning with the college group and telling them that just the same way you know you've found the person you're going to marry I knew, without a doubt, that I was connected to Christ and I was never going back to my old lifestyle. Everything was great but I still struggled a lot with depression.
While we were on a Mission Trip that summer I still dealt with these things. We all went around the room one night and had to pray that God would prepare us for the next day. I was in a bad funk so I remember praying something very basic about God, please let me be ready tomorrow. I woke up...no such luck. I still felt miserable. I went and had some quiet time, reluctantly, and God used what I read in a bigger way than I could ever imagine. The verse and devotion was about Christ coming to the cross. The verse was Jesus talking to God saying that God did not bring him to the cross to deliver him from it, but through it. God spoke to me that morning telling me he was not going to rescue me from my depression but bring me through it. I didn't love that message but now I do.
You see, I ended up getting on anti-depressants. They did really help out but it was more that it was a process. I had to learn to sort through and move out of shame and regrets. I think God used that depression to shape me. I had to learn to cling to him. I had to learn that he loved me more than any man ever could.
I ended up at Southeastern University (woot woot) where my mom was a professor, for my sophomore year. It was free, so that certainly didn't hurt anything. I loved it. I loved praying before class and the element of Christ in everything. Yes, even World History and Journalism. That year was great. I even got a dog in January, much thanks to the epic fail of owning to rabbits and my parents saying I could get a dog if I got rid of the rabbits. Introduce Dixie! By spring I was really itching to go to a secular college. I had Christ living in me and it beamed out of me. I needed to be around people that didn't know him. I was accepted and planned to go to Florida State ( another woot woot) by the fall of my junior year. But something never felt quite right. I really felt God gently trying to get me to stay. I didn't have a lot of close friends and I did want to experience so much more but finally I ended up staying. I was a youth intern that summer which was awesome but tough too, because my church was going through a split. By the end of the summer my amazing youth leaders seemed to be on their way out of the church. I visited Church of the Highlands with one of my friends. It was a very modern church. When I left I told her that it was amazingly a lot like youth camp!
We went and visited their college group one Sunday and went back to the leaders house with a bunch of the people there. He was a young guy. He had a roommate. His roommates name was Bryan Stiverson, an intern at the church. I played some sort of Cranium game with him that night and fell in love with his sweet spirit and kindness. Matter of fact, I got in the car that night and told Stefanie I could marry him. I started going to Church of the Highlands and loved it. It really solidified my decision in staying in Lakeland. By November Bryan and I were dating. By the first week of December we were talking about marriage.
I really though I was going to have to wait a long time for the right guy. After a lot of boy crazy years I read an amazing book through my time of just me and God. It was called "Lady in Waiting". It put rest to that unrelenting desire and helped me focus on God a little more. I knew God would bring the man for me in his good time. I fully expected later because I could not stand how the guys my age acted. But here was Bryan, age 29, me age 21.
We were engaged the following August 31st and married on March 11, 2006. I eventually went of the anti-depressants (mainly because I had no insurance -- yikes!) Don't ever go off of anti-depressants cold turkey. That was miserable. Ever since then depression is not really a part of my life. I do have a natural tendency to get into small funks hear and there but nothing like that.
We've got our two kiddos - Jason and Ellie. Things aren't always perfect, but I'm always moving forward. When things get tough you just have to press on. I don't always like everything now, but I know that God's holding my hand the whole time. I don't really care if I don't know the latest song that everyone loves now. I guard that part of me closely. Music was a big hang up for me. I'm getting to a place where I can have a drink and it's not such an issue, but I'll always be careful with that too. Drinking had such a negative effect on me through my choices and those of some of my family members. There's no black and white. It's about grace and freedom in Christ. I love that. I think He has it that way for a reason. It keeps me on my toes wanting to stay connected with Him to know what he wants for my life.
I have a God who loves me intimately more than I could ever understand and I am truly blessed to have the husband that I do. He challenges me daily to be more like Christ. I feel a blog about BStive coming on soon! My kids - icing on the cake and a picture that I can finally start to grasp at of Christ's love for me.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
God is Good!/ Stage 3C
The other night at band practice one of the guys was talking about a recent cancer diagnosis in the family. The diagnosis was made through a mistake, actually. The woman he was talking about found out she had breast cancer because the doctor's had to go in and clean up an infection that they had basically caused. He said something like this: Can I just say something? It kind of bugs me when people say, "I'm not sick anymore. God is good!" or "I got a job! God is good! God is good all the time. I want to see someone post something like "My sister has cancer. God is good." Even though we were aggravated with the infection God was still good. And the infection still let us know that there was cancer.
Of course I quickly checked myself thinking, "Oh great, have I typed something like that recently?" It doesn't really matter whether I did or didn't or whether you have or haven't. I know God is good all the time and I love that he shared that. I need to make sure it is always known that my God is good ALL the time.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last August. She was, at first, told it was Stage 2B. I remember sharing this on facebook and my last line of the post said "God's got this." As we continued on the journey, the doctors would find cancer in more lymph nodes and upgrade the cancer to stage 3C. I was brokenhearted but my "tag line" was still "God's got this!"
During that time I remember a couple of times where I felt like God was really moving in my Spirit. It was hard to say it out loud but I felt Him saying "Jenn - I do have this but that can go a lot of ways" I knew my mom could be completely healed but I knew her journey on Earth could come to an end. Either way God is the ultimate Healer. After all, we are just pilgrims passing through, right? I found it difficult to pray. Of course I wanted healing for my mom, but I also had an overwhelming sense of God's ability to handle all situations.
Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God - those he has called according to His plan."
Done deal - God does have this - whether we understand it all or not, he does. I have a stepsister who passed away at the age of 26. It's been 12 years now and I still don't understand but am I suppose to? I rest in the fact that God most definitely used her in her time on Earth and that she is running down streets of gold instead of being laid up in a bed with the disease that wreaked havoc on her body for the last year of her life. Watching my parents go through that was hard but I've been inspired by their faith that presses on.
I think the hardest thing for me to hand over to him is my kids. I will lay in bed with crippling thoughts of bad things happening to my kids. I then find myself (almost desperately) saying, "They're yours, they're yours, they're yours." Some people find great difficulty in saying this and trust me, I do too. But wouldn't you rather Him be the one in control anyway. Just as much as my money and my car are his, my husband and kids are His too. He trusts me with them and I trust Him with them. It's still a battle for me because I know I'd be devastated if anything ever happened to Ellie or Jason, but Romans 8:28 says ALL things work together for the GOOD. I don't have to know all the answers, I just have to trust God.
I hope this hasn't been too terribly depressing! God is good -- all the time -- and just like He is Lord over the dark things we deal with, He is Lord over the most amazing things as well. He's just bigger than we'll ever comprehend...this side of Heaven anyway!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
One Me
I've tried blogging before...pretty half-heartedly but I've been wanting to get back to it. I don't know why it's such a task even coming up with a blog title. I mean who really cares? But that's just it...we're all so quick to judge everyone else that I was scared to put something too boring or too heady and heaven forbid I put something "super spiritual"!! So here it is...One Me...I am Jennifer Stiverson with so many flaws but loving that my sweet Savior is truly captured by me. I'm an imperfect wife to Bryan and mother to my amazing kiddos, Ellie and Jason. But they love and accept me. I teach third grade and I'm probably mediocre, but I try to love and teach them. I struggle with pride and apathy, but I'm working on it. The whole point is that we are all a work in process.
I read an article today about how your kids want just you as their mom. They don't care how you dress, how you decorate the house, who your friends are, if you can carry a tune, what your job is...they just want you to be their mommy and love them. It was so simple but what I needed to hear. I love all of those crafty Pinterest kind of people out there...truly...and some are even my best friends but I use to look at some of those pictures and think, "Does anyone expect me to be doing that??" I was pretty sure the answer was no, but still!
So I'm going to do the one thing I do love to do. I love to write and I love to share my story and hear (or see) others share theirs. I love my kids and husband quite a bit so I'm sure you'll get to hear plenty about them too, but really, I just want to share my heart. Too many women...and men for that matter....never really get to the heart of the matter. We find it so hard or uncomfortable to REALLY get to know someone. Or we just don't want to be hurt...again.
I'm going to close this one out with some of my favorite reminders from the Author of us all that reminds me of who I am....
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
Psalm 139:13 -16
Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
I am my beloveds and His desire is for me. Song of Solomon 7:10
Because I can never resist a good lyric in a song -- one of my favorite lyrics from Christ Tomlin's "Our God is Great" is this: "And if our God is for us than who could ever stop us and if our God is with us than what can stand against?"
My God is greater than _________________. What is it for you?? I know mine's a big, long list...
my fear of failing as a mother, my pride, my fear of failing as a wife, my disdain for my own body, my fear of what others might say about me, what others really do say about me, my apathy, my complaining, my inability to get up in the morning and spend time with Him, my fear of trusting others, my failed relationships with family or friends.
Spend some time with me this week praying that God would help remind you that He's bigger than all of that junk that we carry around. Be YOU....don't be who everyone else thinks you should be, or better yet, what you think everyone else says you should be. God made you, He bought you with a price, and you are HIS!
I read an article today about how your kids want just you as their mom. They don't care how you dress, how you decorate the house, who your friends are, if you can carry a tune, what your job is...they just want you to be their mommy and love them. It was so simple but what I needed to hear. I love all of those crafty Pinterest kind of people out there...truly...and some are even my best friends but I use to look at some of those pictures and think, "Does anyone expect me to be doing that??" I was pretty sure the answer was no, but still!
So I'm going to do the one thing I do love to do. I love to write and I love to share my story and hear (or see) others share theirs. I love my kids and husband quite a bit so I'm sure you'll get to hear plenty about them too, but really, I just want to share my heart. Too many women...and men for that matter....never really get to the heart of the matter. We find it so hard or uncomfortable to REALLY get to know someone. Or we just don't want to be hurt...again.
I'm going to close this one out with some of my favorite reminders from the Author of us all that reminds me of who I am....
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
Psalm 139:13 -16
Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
I am my beloveds and His desire is for me. Song of Solomon 7:10
Because I can never resist a good lyric in a song -- one of my favorite lyrics from Christ Tomlin's "Our God is Great" is this: "And if our God is for us than who could ever stop us and if our God is with us than what can stand against?"
My God is greater than _________________. What is it for you?? I know mine's a big, long list...
my fear of failing as a mother, my pride, my fear of failing as a wife, my disdain for my own body, my fear of what others might say about me, what others really do say about me, my apathy, my complaining, my inability to get up in the morning and spend time with Him, my fear of trusting others, my failed relationships with family or friends.
Spend some time with me this week praying that God would help remind you that He's bigger than all of that junk that we carry around. Be YOU....don't be who everyone else thinks you should be, or better yet, what you think everyone else says you should be. God made you, He bought you with a price, and you are HIS!
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