So I just got back from an incredible weekend of helping out at our youth winter retreat. The theme was "I Am Second." If you haven't heard of I Am Second it is a series of videos that have been produced about different people (mostly celebrities) talking about how they are second to God. They share a bit of their story and what it looks like to be second in a world that says we have every right to be first. iamsecond.com
The weekend was amazing....these students are amazing...the talks and worship were amazing. God is so good. He's too good not to speak to me while I'm there serving too. The students were asked to write down what things kept God from being first and them from being second. So naturally, I asked the same thing of myself. Here's what God showed me in myself.....
God can only be first if there's nothing I want more than him...if I would choose him over these other said things. As a teen it was smoking, parties, friend, premarital sex, acceptance, judgment, etc. I couldn't even write everything down if I wanted to. Thank God I'm a work in progress and I've continued to grow through these last 11 or 12 years. Many of these "roadblocks" have been removed but one keeps nagging. No, it's not the only one, but the one I know God wants me to deal with now.
FOOD.
A four-letter word that has run my life. It's actually quite embarrassing. But I know I'm not alone and even if I was I know God loves me enough to work this out in me. I can't really remember not being overweight.
I was the biggest kid on my cheerleading team in 2nd grade, the largest kid in my dance class from 1st through 8th grade, and I was the bottom of many cruel jokes that I wish I could forget. I'm quite sure that my desperate need for acceptance, in particular that of boys, drove me to do a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise done.
If you've never known addiction than God bless your little heart, but addiction is so so so very frustrating dark and leaves you feeling hopeless. They say with alcohol, porn, drugs and sex (outside of God's amazing picture) is a cycle. You know you shouldn't, you desire it, you finally give in and indulge, then self-loathe and say you'll definitely stop the next time only for the all-too-familiar cycle to start over again.
I fasted last week for one day. I thought about food....a lot. I know that seems obvious but it showed me the hold that food has on me.
The Scripture says the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and SELF-CONTROL.
I lack self-control. I know that it is holding me back in my relationship with my Savior. Beyond that there are a myriad of other reasons I need to deal with this. But none of those are really why it matters.
This is going to be hard. I'm going to fail but I have to follow through. If you know me and love me....ask me how it's going.
Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I can do this. God can help me. "He must increase and I must decrease." (John 3:30)
I'm Jennifer Stiverson and I am second.
