It pains me just to write that name....
You see, Bryan and I found out about 3 weeks ago that we were expecting baby #3. The first response, shock! Oh my goodness, God, you think we can handle three?? We just sold all of our baby stuff? Then....pure joy. I quickly pictured my family of 5. We were in the process of getting a new car so we made sure it'd fit our family of 5 (although we knew we wanted a roomier car anyway) so a minivan it was....and yes, I love it! More amazingly, Bryan was away for the weekend at a retreat and texted me a name for a little boy. I'd always said I liked the name Liam (a variation of William) and it would be after my grandfather, William "Bill" Myatt. Bryan was reading in Genesis and felt particularly struck by the name and person that Seth was in the Bible. He is the beginning of the lineage. He's Adam and Eve's son. So the name we quickly felt comfortable with was Seth Liam Stiverson. I know - seriously - I was only 5 weeks pregnant - but I loved it. I could just picture Jason with a little partner in crime and Ellie, the big sister, ruling the roost. She was so excited. She couldn't wait to put it's clothes on and keep it safe from Cinco (our cat and yes, that's a whole other story.) She was convinced it was a girl and she wanted to name her Emilese.
Now, of course, I don't know whether this baby was a boy or girl and honestly, we won't know for a long time because we found out Sunday that it doesn't have a heart beat. Starting Saturday I knew what was happening...it just got worse and we decided after church on Sunday to go on up to the hospital. They confirmed our fears, gave me a (very painful) Rhogam shot since I'm an A Negative blood type and sent us on our way with a heartfelt smile and a "hope you are doing better soon." Bryan and I went and ate dinner together. It felt like someone had died...well, someone had. It's crazy to me that I never held this little peanut (or Cashew, as we'd started calling him) but I ached for him. I've had several thoughts and emotions but the one that gets me every time is the one where I imagine what he would have been like...what'd he'd do for Christ, how he'd impact the world and how he'd make me smile. Would he love music like the rest of our family? So many questions...so I decided that because writing is somehow healing for me, I'd write....this time a letter to Seth. I know, I still don't know if it's a boy or girl but in this lifetime I will remember him as Seth.
My sweet little Seth,
You came to me as a surprise, but after the surprise wore off I began to wonder why it was so urgent that God bring you to our family. I believe each of my children are specifically here for God's purpose and you were no exception. Speaking of children, you would have looooved your brother and sister. Ellie was so excited about you. She wanted to know if they made pants for babies as small as you would be. She wanted to protect you in her room, with the door shut, from Cinco, the crazy cat. I'm sure she would have read you books and bossed you around like all good big sisters do. But she would have adored you. Now Jason - you and him would have been partners in crime. He'd crack you up and he'd probably have you get into plenty of mischief with him. But he'd also want to hug you because he loves his hugs. You guys would have maybe shared a room with bunk beds one day. You would have your fights I'm sure but you'd be closer than the closest of friends.
Your dad, man - he was already in love with you. He picked out a name within days of knowing who you were. He dreamed, as did I, of the things you would do for the Lord. Whether it was baseball or guitar or some other hobby, he'd support you 100% in the things you pursued. He's such an incredible dad and I already looked forward to seeing him hold yet another one of our newborns.
For me, I just have a ton of questions still. What would you have been like? What color would your hair and eyes be? Would you look like me or your dad? What would your favorite musical instrument be (because let's face it, between the rest of the family, we're well on our way to a family band)? Would you love to snuggle? Would you be hilarious and wild like Jason, more reserved and precocious like Ellie or would you be totally different? What would my labor and delivery be like? Call me crazy, but every mom looks forward to that. Even in the pain, it's the most incredible think I've ever experienced. Would you be wrapped up in your cousins as much as Ellie and Jason are? Would I have some unique connection to you since we are both third borns? How would you make me smile?
I miss you and love you even though I've never known you. I'm so grateful that I serve a God who is near to me in my broken-heartedness. What I love even more is that I believe you are already with Jesus. I don't understand how all of that works but I do believe you're there. I hold great hope in the fact that I will get to see you one day.
I love you so much that it hurts but I love that kind of love,
Mommy
I don't know what are plans are from here on out, but I know that God has opened my eyes to some new possibilities...
