One of my favorite things is hearing others stories. One of my favorite lines from the song "Overcome" is this -- "We will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony." There's such truth to that line, so here's my story.
I grew up in a Christian home. I had amazing parents who gave me guidance, yet leniency. They loved me and showed me incredible support. I was outgoing and loved being a part of many activities. I was in Girl Scouts, dance and eventually in Middle School I played flute and then oboe in the band, and sang in the school choir. I was very involved in my youth group. I was always at church and had a lot of friends at church and school.
The only thing that I didn't have going for me was my weight. I was overweight from the time I was in first grade on. I don't remember getting made fun of until I was about 9 or so. I remember some kids, boys I think, at school calling me Free Willy. I remember a few years later being called Fluffy, with a lot of laughs, because that's how a boy described me when saying why he didn't like me. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. I remember going to a White Elephant exchange at church where I wanted the stuffed whale someone had brought. One boy made a comment that I wanted it because I was Shamu. I was called names often, typically from boys. I had so many crushes and so many unreturned feelings. Most of that didn't really catch up with me until my Freshman year of high school.
I had always gone to Rochelle School of the Arts from 3rd grade on to 8th. Everybody was pretty tight. I definitely was made fun of occasionally but still, everyone got along pretty well. I felt really close with everyone. In high school that all changed. I went to George Jenkins High School. There were only 4 other people from Rochelle going to my high school and I didn't have classes with any of them. By Christmas my two closest Rochelle friends had transferred to other schools because they hated it too. I distinctly remember a girl trying to befriend me (something that was always easy for me). I went to hang out with them (where all the popular people hung out) in the court yard. It's like they knew I was a nobody to them. They literally wouldn't even include me in their group. I become pretty depressed about school. I cried every morning and my mom finally got to the point where she was ready to transfer me out. As a mom now, I know how much that broke my moms heart. Still, I ended up staying there. I didn't really have any friends and I wouldn't even eat in the cafeteria.
I remained a Christ follower. I 'm sure I cussed hear and there and I know I listened to music I shouldn't have, but generally speaking I followed Christ. By my sophomore year I went away on a family trip to see some distant relatives. my sisters were there (who were a freshman and junior in college) and everybody was going to drink. That was the first night I ever drank. I had a great time. Everybody was having fun, we played "Never Have I Ever" (where I learned a lot about one of my sisters!!) and it was great. I felt a little guilt after that but I also felt huge acceptance. I don't really remember drinking or partying a whole lot that year but I know I was going down a different path. I remember some of the music I listened to then, also. It was awful. I cringe at some of the lyrics I remember. Music has the power to move you in worship and to tear you down to nothing and fill your mind with garbage!
The summer of my sophomore year I really connected with my close friend Stefanie. We went to youth camp and on a mission trip. We knew we needed to live for Jesus. It was tough, though, in high school. I quickly fell back into old patterns and picked up a new habit...smoking. I wanted so badly to have friends and more importantly attention from at least one guy that was interested in me. I got attention but it was all the wrong kind.
These patterns continued through high school. Sure, I was still going to church and honestly I never stopped loving the Lord, but nothing in my life reflected that. By Christmas of my senior year of high school I had a tongue ring and had lost my virginity. I was partying pretty often. I made a decision to go to Florida Southern College. Worst decision of my life.
It wasn't even the school. It was all the decisions I was making. I had pretty much no friends, or friends that would say they were my friend but stab me in the back. I drank 3 to 4 nights a week, listened to that same awful music, still smoked, and gave a piece of myself to a some guys that I'll never get back. I failed my first class ever (but seriously putting a freshman in an 8 o'clock Accounting class was stupid). I sank into the deepest depression. By March or April I could take no more.
I woke up one morning and cried as I drove to my parents house. I wanted out of this darkness. I was driving to tell my mom and dad about this darkness. They weren't home. On my way to my mom's office I can still remember the exact spot on 540 A near where my parents now live (at the time it was just trees and woods). I remember thinking "I could just drive off the road right now and I know I'd feel better." I finally got to her office and sat outside crying, waiting for her to be done teaching a class.
I walked into her office and told her how much I was struggling. I cried, she cried. We drove over to my dad's office together and talked to him. I knew I would get my parents support. They always supported me. Looking back now, I'm even more amazed. They weren't completely blind to who I was but loved me regardless. We worked it out for me to go to counseling.
Counseling was weird. I grew up with a social worker, remember? So I was use to all the felling words and telling me story. Still I went. It was alright but I still felt depressed. I moved back home, even though classes weren't over yet and finished the semester as a commuter student. I still drive past that campas and have bad feelings. I hated who I was that year.
I told my parents that the only request I had was not to have a curfew. I started going to church and to my surprise had support from my friends from whom I'd been very distant from. I reconnected with God in a huge way at that time. I didn't have a lot of close friends so I know I had more time to think about life, God and how he fit into it. I remember walking into Sunday School one morning with the college group and telling them that just the same way you know you've found the person you're going to marry I knew, without a doubt, that I was connected to Christ and I was never going back to my old lifestyle. Everything was great but I still struggled a lot with depression.
While we were on a Mission Trip that summer I still dealt with these things. We all went around the room one night and had to pray that God would prepare us for the next day. I was in a bad funk so I remember praying something very basic about God, please let me be ready tomorrow. I woke up...no such luck. I still felt miserable. I went and had some quiet time, reluctantly, and God used what I read in a bigger way than I could ever imagine. The verse and devotion was about Christ coming to the cross. The verse was Jesus talking to God saying that God did not bring him to the cross to deliver him from it, but through it. God spoke to me that morning telling me he was not going to rescue me from my depression but bring me through it. I didn't love that message but now I do.
You see, I ended up getting on anti-depressants. They did really help out but it was more that it was a process. I had to learn to sort through and move out of shame and regrets. I think God used that depression to shape me. I had to learn to cling to him. I had to learn that he loved me more than any man ever could.
I ended up at Southeastern University (woot woot) where my mom was a professor, for my sophomore year. It was free, so that certainly didn't hurt anything. I loved it. I loved praying before class and the element of Christ in everything. Yes, even World History and Journalism. That year was great. I even got a dog in January, much thanks to the epic fail of owning to rabbits and my parents saying I could get a dog if I got rid of the rabbits. Introduce Dixie! By spring I was really itching to go to a secular college. I had Christ living in me and it beamed out of me. I needed to be around people that didn't know him. I was accepted and planned to go to Florida State ( another woot woot) by the fall of my junior year. But something never felt quite right. I really felt God gently trying to get me to stay. I didn't have a lot of close friends and I did want to experience so much more but finally I ended up staying. I was a youth intern that summer which was awesome but tough too, because my church was going through a split. By the end of the summer my amazing youth leaders seemed to be on their way out of the church. I visited Church of the Highlands with one of my friends. It was a very modern church. When I left I told her that it was amazingly a lot like youth camp!
We went and visited their college group one Sunday and went back to the leaders house with a bunch of the people there. He was a young guy. He had a roommate. His roommates name was Bryan Stiverson, an intern at the church. I played some sort of Cranium game with him that night and fell in love with his sweet spirit and kindness. Matter of fact, I got in the car that night and told Stefanie I could marry him. I started going to Church of the Highlands and loved it. It really solidified my decision in staying in Lakeland. By November Bryan and I were dating. By the first week of December we were talking about marriage.
I really though I was going to have to wait a long time for the right guy. After a lot of boy crazy years I read an amazing book through my time of just me and God. It was called "Lady in Waiting". It put rest to that unrelenting desire and helped me focus on God a little more. I knew God would bring the man for me in his good time. I fully expected later because I could not stand how the guys my age acted. But here was Bryan, age 29, me age 21.
We were engaged the following August 31st and married on March 11, 2006. I eventually went of the anti-depressants (mainly because I had no insurance -- yikes!) Don't ever go off of anti-depressants cold turkey. That was miserable. Ever since then depression is not really a part of my life. I do have a natural tendency to get into small funks hear and there but nothing like that.
We've got our two kiddos - Jason and Ellie. Things aren't always perfect, but I'm always moving forward. When things get tough you just have to press on. I don't always like everything now, but I know that God's holding my hand the whole time. I don't really care if I don't know the latest song that everyone loves now. I guard that part of me closely. Music was a big hang up for me. I'm getting to a place where I can have a drink and it's not such an issue, but I'll always be careful with that too. Drinking had such a negative effect on me through my choices and those of some of my family members. There's no black and white. It's about grace and freedom in Christ. I love that. I think He has it that way for a reason. It keeps me on my toes wanting to stay connected with Him to know what he wants for my life.
I have a God who loves me intimately more than I could ever understand and I am truly blessed to have the husband that I do. He challenges me daily to be more like Christ. I feel a blog about BStive coming on soon! My kids - icing on the cake and a picture that I can finally start to grasp at of Christ's love for me.
